Spiritual Journey IV

It had been a while, one day short of 70 days to be exact, since I had been to church. As I mentioned in my last post, I had sensed that the animosity and divisions still existed that I was so wanting to escape. However, a reunion in an informal setting with some of the people with whom I had worshiped and a sudden severing of contact with someone I had supported led me to decide I should see if things had changed.

So with Greg and Bruce out of town, I went and had my own revelation.

Can one be sitting at a church service and suddenly realize it is all just a bunch of hooey?

Does anyone really believe all this? Do they listen? Do they care? Why do the ones who do believe all this feel compelled to force it on others, even to the point of killing? Do they really think their God and Jesus are Republicans? And have they ever read the Bible to see how it rails against hypocrisy more than it does being a lesbian? What happened to "love everyone", compassion for the poor and sick?

I listened to a fine talk about courage from a very wise and learned man. He was compelled to base his talk on biblical texts and he did, but loose enough that they were secondary to the message. It could have been a talk at a Rotary Club or a historical society for that matter.

The music was ok, I had heard it all before. Yes, there were some folks glad to see me, and vice versa. Some there didn't notice I was there, and vice versa. Those who I consider friends are also those I would (and have) befriend even outside a church setting. But is it all really just a social occasion? Aren't we there to learn and change? That I did not see there, or in Christian religion in general.

So I left not feeling compelled to return regularly. It was nice, but certainly not reborn and reinvigorated; I did not feel the energy and sense of exploration I once found.

That, I fear, is no longer a part of my church experience. And it left me on a Sunday morning. How ironic.

Spiritual Journey III

I know I am naive, but I have never understood why things have to change. Like Facebook layouts, trash haulers, and churches, changes are never really for the better. Just get to a good point that works, and stick with it.

Yeah I know, change is inevitable.

The church I attended in Kansas City, Trinity United Methodist, was a beacon of light and a bold, brash "screw you church establishment" institution for the majority of the time I attended. Standing firmly in the harsh wind of the Methodist hierarchy that said gays and lesbians were not compatible with Christian teaching, TUMC welcomed all who entered. Many churches say that, however there is usually a "but" attached to the welcome. Not so at TUMC. It was thrilling to worship with fellow gays, people of diverse backgrounds, perfect people and dreadful sinners alike. There was a sort of magic when we all came together. People dropped pretense and pitched in.

One Sunday was to be a high church day. We purchased new choir robes and they were to be dedicated with song and praise. As I arrived (by the way, the place was so special I drove 50 miles round trip to attend) fire trucks and police littered the street. A fire had heavily damaged a large apartment building near by. The refugees congregated at TUMC. It was a cool day and the people had on what they could escape with. So we cooked. Refrigerators were raided, errands ran and we made a vat of chili. Some got out games and played with the kids, some of us manned the phones taking calls from worried family members. We never did have a service that day; but in so many ways, it was the best one we ever had.

As people moved around, personalities clashed, pastors came and went, TUMC began to decline. It was not one person, or one thing, but a combination of events, people and weariness that comes in fighting a losing battle. The Methodist church makes it quite difficult for a gay friendly church to operate. Threats of trials and sanctions hover over any ordained personnel that dares to think otherwise.

Finally, in 2008, the last straw broke and I severed my relationship with TUMC and the United Methodist Church in general. I was sad, I missed my friends, the routine of the Methodist liturgy, hymnal and service. But I was tired of being a second, or even no-class citizen. A new pastor was clear that the hierarchy wanted to "straighten out" the place. Two years later, I am still embroiled in a mess created by the church; but a recent letter from the bishop of the UMC effectively told me to fuck off.

In the last months of my attendance at TUMC if Greg was out of town (thus I would not get scolded for not being at church), I would sneak off and go to another church where some TUMC refugees had landed. The church was led by an openly gay pastor... and it was ok with everyone. Great music, nice people, a denomination, the United Church of Christ, that was more liberal than I. We even served wine at church functions and hosted a drag show that was called "Wake the Fuck up, America!"

There was a heaven on earth.

But, just for a while. Sadly another example of heaven's transient nature here on this mortal orb. Some of the same things that killed TUMC were also happening there. I am not sure exactly what transpired, both sides still harbor resentment. Suffice to say I stayed away.

My last church service was on December 20th, when we performed the annual Christmas cantata. As I put away my robe and heard the negative chattering about the former pastor, I decided I had enough. Stealthily, I took my name tag off my robe and put it in my pocket. They had no use for it. It was a symbol of my departure.

Few noticed.

I have not missed going to church on Sunday, but I do miss the interaction with people, one of the few times I see people these days without vodka being involved.

Reading a response to a Facebook post, put a seed in my mind. Actually, watered a kernel that had been there before. To paraphrase, "You know, I have never known a Buddhist to cause trouble or grief".

Hummmmm....

Saying Good Bye

I am unashamedly stealing this quote from "Wicked" from my friend Amy, who put it in a Facebook post:

"I've heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason, bringing something we must learn. And we are led to those who help us most to grow if we let them. And we help them in return. Well, I don't know if I believe that's true, but I know I'm who I am today because I knew you."

One thing I do believe is true is that it is always right and necessary to say "good bye" to someone. In this fluid world, our neighbors, co-workers and friends are all too frequently here today, gone tomorrow. In the tense and depressing world of corporate America, laid off or terminated employees are given their notice and then immediately considered persona non-grata. They can't even get their personal items or, more important to this discussion, say so long to people they saw probably more than their families each day.

But, some counter argue, with all the electronic communication devices and programs such as cell phones, Facebook or email, we can keep in touch a bit easier than ever before. Those modern wonders of communication are fine and I use them to great extent, but they do not come close to actually having the person there; to see, to touch or to call up last minute and meet for a cocktail at the pub.

Last night I got the opportunity to say good bye to someone I had known only briefly and really not all that well. A friend of sorts, someone I did not actually know a lot about, but a person who affected my life positively in the last year. He was cast out from among us for reasons still unknown; there are "official" reasons given but many of us do not believe them. Here one day, gone the next in a blaze of "we regret to inform you".

Yes this was a job related event, and handled like it was a position with a bank or an IT company. But in a church, there is more to relationships than contracts and work rules. We are supposed to be a family of sorts; or that is what they say. We speak of church family and the need to look out for and help one another, to revel in the fellowship of kindred minds, as the old hymn says. Even family members who rape, pillage or murder are allowed to say good bye before they are carted off. When we can't say good bye, there is no closure, no moving on, our mind wonders as to why things happened as they did. Did I say something wrong?

But for some reason, we were denied that. It is as if the family member died, or was marched by the Nazis or the KGB into a gulag. This was an event I will never understand.

Thus I was glad that I spent too much money and drank way too much last night at my friend's impromptu good bye. Instead of fading off into another "contact" in the cyber world, I got to look him in the eye, hug him and basically say what Glinda said so much better in the quote above.

Good bye. God be with you till we meet (or Tweet) again.

Comedy at its Best

Last Saturday, the Kinsey Sicks, a self styled "Dragapella Beautyshop" quartet of drag performers, performed their show "Wake the Fuck up America" at my church, which is a story in and of itself.

Their performance did make me laugh and more often made me wince and shake my head. Let us just say the word "fuck" flowed freely and they had no shame.

Which contrasts to this gem



Now this is pure comedy. Sid Caesar and Nanette Fabray from the 1950's, probably from Caesar's own show. Pure improv, no teleprompters and 100% live. In this thankfully preserved clip, Caesar and Fabray mime a married couple arguing to the first movement of Beethoven's famous 5th symphony.

This sketch is absolutely a masterpiece of subtle humor and flawless acting; the timing and action are impeccable. I have watched this a hundred times and still find it fresh and hilarious.

Probably can't say the same about the Kinsey Sicks.

Coupl'a Things XVIII

1) One thing I like about my new church is that we actually have some young kids in the congregation. Each Sunday a little knot of youngsters come forward and hear a short story or engage in an activity with the pastor. Sometimes it is the highlight of the service (I'll get in trouble for that I am sure!)

Today being Mother's Day, the kids got to do something a bit out of the ordinary; they got to make a mess and spread paper, each of which had a picture printed on it, all over the floor. Rev Howell asked them to look through the strewn paper and bring him a picture of a family. Each munchkin grabbed a piece. "How is that a family"? He asked. "A mom is holding a baby", was the answer. "Why is this a family"?, he asked the next. "Because they are all helping take care of the baby", even though it was a picture of two men a child of about 8 or 9 and a small baby. "They are a family because they all love each other", gleefully chirped another little lady.

What a pleasure, how refreshing. Kids not saying "that is not a family because there is no mom, or there is no dad, or two dads or two moms can't be a "real" family". I guess there is hope for a future where families are judged because they care and love each other, not by some rigid concept that excludes any thing beyond a mom and dad and 2.5 kids.

2) Mother's day is not one of my favorite days. I am not a mom, so no rose or flower for me. My mom died almost 12 years ago, so no calls or Hallmark greetings are needed. My usual lunch buds, Bruce and Greg are lucky enough to be older than me and still have their frail, but still caring mothers and were off with them. Puggles never had pups so even she could not celebrate. Jean, the closest thing I have to a "mom" here, had her real son actually call her and so of course she was off to see him. So off to home alone, some home cooked lunch and a nap. Missing out on all the fun.

3) Ok, since I am bitching... it is May 10th. It is cold, I had to turn on the portable heater I keep in my bedroom as it was chilly. Who is holding all the warm weather?? Give it up... thank you.

Making A Change

It took just a few minutes, but it was a lovely ceremony and quite well done. A gold embossed card made it official:

This is to certify that Donald E. Clark has been received into full membership of Country Club Congregational United Church of Christ at Kansas City, Missouri on the 5th day of April in the year 2009. D. Scott Howell (Pastor)

You see, this is a monumental change for me, and I am not sure if I have really absorbed the whole idea yet. I have been involved in a church for most of my adult life. Those churches have always been of the United Methodist denomination (UMC). I was born into the UMC, married in it, reared my kids in it, have a daughter going to a Methodist university. Since my arrival in Kansas City in 1996, I have been a loyal and loving member of Trinity UMC (TUMC), a place where I have laughed until I cried, cried until I could shed no more tears and met some of the most incredible people on earth. Until yesterday.

Things change. As Reagan said about the Democrats, "I did not leave them, they left me.", thus I feel the same about TUMC. It left me. The members, for various reasons, began to drift away. Old traditions got swept away as "new management" tried to take the church in a different direction. Once upon a time, the pastor announced that a few people were needed to help move some furniture for a homebound member. 30 people showed up. Today, that many may be the whole attendance at a service. There is a forced atmosphere of "are we having fun???? ...yet" during worship or church functions. The main topic.... "where has so and so gone?" as another member drifts away.

TUMC used to be a daring church. We thumbed our nose at the UMC, constantly urging us to conform to their mainstream, right leaning ways. We welcomed gays and lesbians; one pastor dared to do a commitment ceremony for two men, but soon after another did not and thus the collapse of TUMC began. A bunch of us went to the UMC General Conference in 2000 to protest against the exclusion of gays and lesbians. Those that went with me....they are all gone now. I could go on.

As I began to explore, I remembered some friends who had been hurt and humiliated by the UMC and TUMC leadership so I visited them at their church, Country Club Congregational UCC (CCCUCC). Here is a church that is proudly progressive, focused on justice, open to ALL, not governed by a big mother church that wants all its outlets to rubber stamp their vision and not subject to trials and sanctions from a bishop or other inflated church "leaders". A church that dares, out in the community, great music, good location... I kind of like it.

So I took the step. This, my first full day of not being a United Methodist, may be much like any other frankly. I have to work, take the dog out, probably go to 303 for Monday hamburgers, annoy Will... but inside, I feel a shift. A good one.

Jesus Had a Dick

"For God so loved the world that God gave God's only Child, so that everyone who believes in the Child may not perish, but have eternal life."

Yes, that is the well known John 3:16 line, one we see at every sporting event and heard every year if one is a church goer. And yes, that ponderously sanitized, gender neutral version is how it was read yesterday AM in my UCC church.

The Child in question is Jesus Christ. Or so I always thought. Jesus, as described in the Bible and throughout history has been described as a "he", "him", "son"... etc. I don't think Jesus had a gender identity issue, and if he did that is no big deal, who am I to question? Besides that, a Bible passage (Luke 2;21) indicates that Jesus, as were all good Jewish boys in the day, was circumcised. But damn it, those terms and rituals imply something: Jesus had a dick. Whether he used it or not... that is immaterial.

As an aside, I have no trouble with a gender neutral God. God, in whatever shape that concept holds for you, usually transcends human concepts. As Kurt Vonnegut's character Kilgore Trout uttered, God could be an intelligent gas from Pluto as far as he knew.

Yes, I know it is quite correct to say that Jesus was a child. But it seems the "only Child of God" was a male child with a penis, two testicles, maybe hair on his chest, a distinct lack of breasts and likely sang baritone in his choir.

The idea that Jesus as a male can not be a savior or relevance to women is just plain sexist garbage wrapped in PC feminism. Even the dour old John Calvin dispenses with this issue with a curt, "Why, even children know that women are included under the term 'men'!"

Many others have ranted about this, much more eloquently and solidly theological than I... so I will let me little rant rest. In my own mind and voice, Jesus was a guy. He had a dick. Get over it.

A Sunday Gathering

It the spirit of fellowship and friendship, Jerry and Paul, two fine fellows from my new church Country Club Congregational UCC, invited Greg, Jean, two old friends Russ and Helma and I to lunch yesterday afternoon.

As we sipped our drinks and chatted about our lives, renewed and made connections (Jerry and Greg both grew up on hog farms, and I knew one of Jerry's classmates), we all remarked on one interesting bond... we all grew up Methodist. We all quickly realized something else, we had all come to the conclusion we had to leave our Methodist traditions behind.

As Greg put it, "I didn't leave the church, it left me."

We are all (4 gay men, a straight couple with gay children and a widow who loves everyone regardless) people any church would love to have. We are faithful attenders, 6 of us sing or play instruments in the church, we have all served as leaders in the church and denomination, we financially support the church, 2 of us had made pilgrimages to Jerusalem, we have all done mission work to serve the poor and those in need. Jean and Paul have cared for sick and dying AIDS victims since the beginning of the epidemic. Greg and I had been to Nicaragua many times in service to others. Jerry has lead church choirs for years. Russ is a retired minister, Helma makes sure libraries are free from censorship. Saints we are not, but we keep on trying.

Yet the Methodist Church feels that 4 out the 7 people there are not deserving of full acceptance. Jerry and Paul have been together through thick and thin, moves and career changes for 33 years. Their relationship is meaningless in the Methodist Church.

Here is what the Methodist Book of Discipline (more important than the Bible for many Methodists) says:

Since the practice of homosexuality is incompatible with Christian teaching, self-avowed practicing homosexuals are not to be accepted as candidates, ordained as ministers or appointed to serve in The United Methodist Church.

Then there is this lulu:

Homosexual persons no less than heterosexual persons are individuals of sacred worth. All persons need the ministry and guidance of the church in their struggles for human fulfillment, as well as the spiritual and emotional care of a fellowship that enables reconciling relationships with God, with others, and with self. Although we do not condone the practice of homosexuality and consider this practice incompatible with Christian teaching, we affirm that God's grace is available to all. We commit ourselves to be in ministry for and with all persons." Huh??? Can you say double speak? It is just whitewash for "love the sinner, hate the sin". I do lots of sinning, but expressing my God given sexuality is NOT one of them...thank you.

This sounds good until you read the last sentence, shades of "we love you, but you must sit on the back of the bus.":

Equal Rights Regardless of Sexual Orientation -– Certain basic human rights and civil liberties are due all persons. We are committed to supporting those rights and liberties for homosexual persons. We see a clear issue of simple justice in protecting their rightful claims where they have shared material resources, pensions, guardian relationships, mutual powers of attorney, and other such lawful claims typically attendant to contractual relationships that involve shared contributions, responsibilities, and liabilities, and equal protection before the law. Moreover, we support efforts to stop violence and other forms of coercion against gays and lesbians. We also commit ourselves to social witness against the coercion and marginalization of former homosexuals.

Then what about former heterosexuals, if we can change our orientation like our socks?

So, in light of all that, what does our little gathering say? It would say to me that those who are progressive, gay, gay supportive and in favor of inclusion are leaving and finding a home in the UCC. It says we are tired of beating our heads against the brick wall of oppression and intransigence. It speaks of our disgust over the hypocrisy of the church and its leaders, something Jesus and the Bible talk about more than homosexuality. It may brand us as quitters, someone has to work inside to change. I believed that for a long time. But the church does not want to change, and I grew tired.

It speaks that the United Methodist Church, in all its glorious history, its leadership in braking barriers, being in the forefront of change is sliding into a staid status quo.

How sad.

I think I'll be happy with the UCC.

Finally Did it, Daniel... I mean God...

Daniel was, and I am being so un-PC here, a total lunatic. The poor old fellow probably spent most, if not all his life, in mental institutions likely suffering from schizophrenia. Daniel thought he was God.

Daniel hung around the door of the small geriatric psych facility that I did some work for in the mid 1990s. "Don't you know I am GOD!??", he would shout at anyone who entered, as he teetered on his cane and hung on to the tank of oxygen trailing behind him.

Most visitors passed by without comment or avoided him completely by entering through the back door. I, however, would stop and talk to him, bemused by this strange and sad creature, sometimes shamelessly egging him on. As I was listening intently to God speak one day, a fellow resident down the hall was insistently bellowing "he is NOT GOD!! HE IS NOT GOD!!!!!!. Finally, she walked up to me and smacked me on the arm, "Damn it, he is NOT GOD! God is 6 foot 4 and better looking than that son of a bitch." No, folks.. I could not make this up.

One fine afternoon, Daniel asked me if I was Catholic. "No I am a Methodist", I replied. "There are only two true religions," he sternly advised me, "Catholicism (which he pronounced "Cathlick-ism") and Congregationalism. All will be in Heaven by 1997!!!!". He seemed disappointed that I was not either/or and waddled away. I was left feeling numb; I had annoyed God, and he was on oxygen to boot. All did not bode well. Some philosophers have claimed God is dead; I didn't want to be fingered as the murderer!

Well Daniel....God... whatever... it may be 11 years late, but I am becoming a member of one of the "two true religions".

Calm down, I am not turning Catholic. I have little love for that homophobic, corrupt organization. But I have started attending a United Church of Christ (UCC) church, Country Club Congregational UCC to be exact. I kind of like it.

Several things wrenched me from the United Methodist Church. The UMC just doesn't get it and continues its hypocritical path. "Open Minds, Open Hearts, Open Doors" is the current UMC slogan. But that does not include the GLBT community. Yes, some local congregations buck the church and accept gays lesbians, et. al, but do so at peril. Methodist congregations have no control over who is appointed their pastor. Therefore, they do not have to accept the congregation's wishes. The Methodist Book of Discipline, more important than the Bible to many, is inconsistent and contradictory. "Homosexuality is incompatible with Christian Teaching", they love to cry. Yet at the same time, gays and lesbians are supposed to be treated with respect... as a sinner. And don't try to become an ordained minister if you are openly gay or lesbian, that means an automatic "trial", shades of Salem.

I just got tired of it. That is combined with a local pastor who seems to be systematically dismantling the church I was a member of for over 10 years.

UCC was founded in 1957 with the union of the Evangelical and Reformed Church and the Congregational Christian Churches. The Congregational Churches trace their history back to the Pilgrims and Puritians of the 1600s. Despite a Puritian heritage, the UCC holds progressive views on GLBT issues and other social justice issues. Congregations have extensive authority over matters of doctrine and ministry, the mother church guides and holds the denomination together in a spirit of communion and shared history, not with dogma and legal chains. Years ago, the UCC leadership decided that being gay or lesbian was a non issue to them, thus there are gay pastors, lesbians on boards, etc. It is so refreshing.

But I am sad as well. I feel a bit unsettled as I leave a church and an instution I have been a part of for most of my life. I will miss seeing the congregation at my old church, those that are left that is, the number leaving is rising. Some are coming to CCCUCC with me. I will visit perhaps, and make that special effort to connect with the ones who are special.

So, after all this time, I can finally get to Heaven, according to Daniel... I mean God. But do I have to wait to the next year that ends in 7?